The snow was absolutely beautiful and so much fun to play in this week! Zach had a blast. I think he was more excited to wake up for the snow than he was on Christmas morning. He got to play all day. His favorite part was the "snow fights" we had. What else can you throw at another person and not get in trouble for it?? It's so cold that obviously most people are ready for spring. I'm definitely ready for warmer temps. But with each season change comes a whole new set of memories. While I look forward to fun in the sun with Zach, springtime was when Owen was getting bigger and able to sit outside in the walker with us while we ran around.
It's been really hard for us this week. Mostly because we imagine Owen running around in the snow. Probably trying to eat all of it. Or he may not have even liked it. I may have had to keep him in the warm house while the others played outside. That would have been nice too:) Knowing that this is yet again something we have to experience without him. Moving on with him only in our hearts seems so impossible. And I'm going to be blunt for a moment. It's freezing cold, snow on the ground. I'm trying SO hard to not think about the fact that his precious little body is in the ground at a graveside a few miles away from us. Can you comprehend that? I sure can't. OUR CHILD. I know that I shouldn't think that. His soul is with Jesus. BUT his little body is out there. It's the brutal truth that we have to deal with every second of our lives. All I want more than anything is to hold and squeeze him and warm him up. It's just not fair. Please enjoy every second you have with your kids. When you get frustrated with them, stop and give them a hug. When they make the biggest mess ever, please realize it could be their last one. I had to clean up Owen's toys and put them away in an empty room. He will never touch them again. He was sleeping safely in his crib. His favorite place. How could anything happen while he slept? Our biggest fear was him jumping out of the crib for the first time. Never ever did we think this could happen. I would have never put him in his crib and told him night-night. I would have held him all night long. Everyone tells me how strong I've been. This is just a tiny glimpse of what I really go through. We continue to push forward because Zach deserves a happy, fun-loving childhood and Craig and I strive to be the best mommy and daddy we can be!
Zach has had this plate in his room since before he was born. He noticed it on his dresser and pointed out the little boy angel is Owen. How sweet it is to know Zach has his little guardian angel looking over him every night while he sleeps. And the significance of the plate...I would have never dreamed the boy angel would represent his little brother when I bought it. AND actually look like him. Little reminders are everywhere. I want it to be like that now, 10 years from now, and always...
Whenever Craig and I saw Owen, we would sing his name. We wouldn't say "Owen," we would sing "Oooo-weennn." That's just how happy he made us when we saw his precious face. He made us want to sing. I'm starting to struggle as time passes by. His memories are forever in my mind, but I feel like he's slowly slipping away from us. In the beginning all I would do is picture him running around the house, now I'm starting to feel like it's not as easy to do that. Because the time is getting longer since he's actually been here. That's terrifying to me. It's so hard to grieve because you feel like you don't want to hurt anymore, but then again does not hurting anymore mean you forget and you don't miss that person as much? I've certainly never been in this position before and do not know how to handle it. I wake up everyday feeling differently. And I cannot tell you how I may feel tomorrow or the next day or the next. But I do know that I will always have that baby boy's beautiful face on my mind. I'm so thankful for my memories and I'm hoping and praying those will never disappear. We have to do things to honor his memory and I plan to do just that.
We will be planning a 5k run/walk in august, which is close to Owen's birthday, August 8th. All money raised will benefit Hands of Hope. It's a hospice group my dear friend Jena Martin works with. They work with terminally ill children. Even though the circumstances with Owen are horrible and we hurt so bad with him gone, we did not have to see him suffer. So knowing that Owen's smile would brighten anyone's day, we are hoping this race can raise money to brighten the lives of those children who are sick. Especially to help them smile. In that way, I know Owen's short life has a HUGE purpose. He changed our lives and I'm hoping he can change others too. Once things get up and running and details are planned for the race, I will post that information on my facebook page.
Please continue to pray for me and my family. October 12, 2013 was the most horrible day of our lives. We had no idea we would no longer have our baby. The shock and horror of it all seems so impossible to think about. The grieving process definitely comes in different stages. I know there are so many people who love and miss Owen. I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to honor our little boy's life and his memory. My brother's family visited his graveside the other day. My nephew Thomas remembers how my mom would always sing patty cake to Owen. "And put it in the oven for Owen and me" she would sing. When they visited his grave, they sang that song to him. Hearing stories like this make me feel better because I know other's still remember him and want to keep him a part of their lives too. Such a special sweet boy my Owen was...I love you bunk bunk.
Owen would have been 17 months today. I can't imagine the silly things he would be doing now. How he would be chasing his big brother around and they would be playing and laughing together. What words he would be saying and how he would probably be Mr. Independent by now and letting us know EXACTLY what he wanted. Everyday we had Owen, he would bring more and more joy because he was learning new things and making us so proud. My heart was so full and now it feels like half of it is gone. Don't get me wrong, I love Zach with everything I have and certainly cherish every moment I have with him. But there's just something about having two brothers making memories together. I guess that means so much to me because I had that and now I don't.
I'm honestly nervous to type this post. I'm going to share the two journal entries I made before I started this blog, and I haven't looked at the journal since I wrote in it. I'm going to type them exactly as they are.
November 19, 2013
It's been a little over a month since it happened. This is the first time I've written anything down. How can we live with so much pain? I miss Owen so much. Everything I do, I miss him. Today we went to Learning Express (Zach and I) and I remember Owen always grabbing the necklaces and I was sure one would break, letting beads fall everywhere. He was so happy to go anywhere and do anything. Truly a special boy. I'm struggling to learn how to go places on a daily basis knowing he used to be with me. I can't comprehend the fact he's gone and how much we take our lives for granted on a daily basis. How bad I want to squeeze him right now, my sweet angel.
December 5, 2013
I still feel him with us. I want to read him his animal sound book he got for his birthday. I want to see the little gap between his teeth and his little chunky bottom at bath time. He loved playing patty cake. I can see his beautiful smile, always in our hearts...
Thursdays are normally my cleaning days because Zach doesn't have preschool. We are able to stay home and catch up around the house. These days are hard for me. Normally I like to be on the go so I don't have to sit in the house and be constantly reminded of our little guy running and playing. When I clean I have to go to every corner of the house, bringing up every memory possible. One of the hardest things I had to do was dust away his little fingerprints from our entertainment center where he would stand and watch tv in the playroom with his hands resting there.
A few weeks before our world came crashing down, I bought a new tent for the boys. It's really huge, one you can crawl through tunnels. It even has a basketball hoop on it. I had it set up in the living room for them to play, and I realized Owen was nowhere to be found. He was sitting in the tent, eating a blue crayon! It was everywhere, all over his face and all over the floor of the tent. I immediately grabbed him up to wash his face and hands and I don't think I wiped out the bottom of the tent. Fast forward a few weeks while Craig and Zach played in the tent. Once they got out, the pieces of blue crayon must have been on their feet. I was mopping our floors and noticed small blue specks of crayon stuck to our living room floor, and in our dining room. Those are precious little pieces from him that day in the tent. And I honestly plan to never remove those little blue specks!
I really have strong memories of the Thursday and Friday before it happened. This morning I struggled because I vividly remember going into his room that Friday morning around 9:30. He was still sleeping and he was on his side facing the door. He was so precious so I just stood there and watched him sleep. The trash truck was coming down the road being loud so I knew as soon as they were close to our house, he would wake up. Sure enough he soon woke up and I got to see him slowly open his eyes and see his mommy standing there waiting on him. I had no idea that would be his last morning here on earth, and I had to opportunity to see him wake up. That in a way is a blessing to me. Funny how something like a trash truck on a Friday morning could have such meaning now.
It's hard knowing Christmas is right around the corner. Last year, Craig and I had two beautiful little boys to share this special time of year. Now I have one. I would give anything for him to be able to look at a Christmas tree and see the lights. A few days before he passed away, Owen and I went to the mall while Zach was in preschool. I was letting him run around outside of the stroller and he walked up to the Build-A-Bear store. You should have seem him! His eyes were so big and he was staring and pointing through the glass. He was excited. I called my mom on the way home and told her we had to get him one for Christmas. Since I still have the image of him in my mind, so happy and smiling through that window, I've been pretending that's how he would look if he could see all the beautiful lights and hear the sounds of Christmas. So I'm thankful for that moment in the mall. He would have been big enough this year to eat gingerbread cookies (which Zach and I made earlier this week) and he would have been able to open his presents. I just think of kids being so excited this time of year and Owen not even having the chance breaks my heart.
But we have to continue to celebrate the birth of Jesus and the real meaning of Christmas, and I sure can't imagine how wonderful it is to be in Heaven rejoicing during this time of year!
I called Owen "bunk bunk." I have no idea why. Craig would always ask, "what is a bunk?" I'd say, "HE's a bunk." I'd sing it over and over, "he's a bunk, he's a bunk." Owen loved it. We had a mommy-son connection and he would go wherever I would go. I would carry him on my hip and would always think we were on a mission. Just me and him. I bought a journal and started writing a couple of entries, the words could not come fast enough. Owen was such a precious boy that when I was writing in the journal, I realized these are things I want our family and friends to hear too. I want everyone to know how special he was. I'll add more soon...
