Unfiltered feelings

Owen would have been 17 months today. I can't imagine the silly things he would be doing now. How he would be chasing his big brother around and they would be playing and laughing together. What words he would be saying and how he would probably be Mr. Independent by now and letting us know EXACTLY what he wanted. Everyday we had Owen, he would bring more and more joy because he was learning new things and making us so proud. My heart was so full and now it feels like half of it is gone. Don't get me wrong, I love Zach with everything I have and certainly cherish every moment I have with him. But there's just something about having two brothers making memories together. I guess that means so much to me because I had that and now I don't.

I'm honestly nervous to type this post. I'm going to share the two journal entries I made before I started this blog, and I haven't looked at the journal since I wrote in it. I'm going to type them exactly as they are.

November 19, 2013

It's been a little over a month since it happened. This is the first time I've written anything down. How can we live with so much pain? I miss Owen so much. Everything I do, I miss him. Today we went to Learning Express (Zach and I) and I remember Owen always grabbing the necklaces and I was sure one would break, letting beads fall everywhere. He was so happy to go anywhere and do anything. Truly a special boy. I'm struggling to learn how to go places on a daily basis knowing he used to be with me. I can't comprehend the fact he's gone and how much we take our lives for granted on a daily basis. How bad I want to squeeze him right now, my sweet angel.

December 5, 2013

I still feel him with us. I want to read him his animal sound book he got for his birthday. I want to see the little gap between his teeth and his little chunky bottom at bath time. He loved playing patty cake. I can see his beautiful smile, always in our hearts...