Happy Birthday Owen

"I asked you Lord, you answered. A little one you gave. The hardest part I never knew, was that little one you'd take. But Lord I trust you now, I know that you are good. And Jesus I was wondering if you could...

Hug him once for me. Hold him up real close. Let him sit upon your knee and tell him all the things we'd teach him about you. Whisper in his ear, one more simple truth. Tell him that you love him...and that we love him too."

August 8, 2012

We were scheduled to be induced early that Wednesday morning. Zach spent the night with Craig's parents. We were so excited to welcome Owen into the world!! Everything went perfectly during labor and delivery. Owen was a perfect, healthy baby boy and we were soon leaving the hospital to take him home to begin his life with us and his big brother Zach! He was such as easy baby. When we had Zach, we obviously had no clue what we were doing! He was a very high-maintenance baby, which I am quick to say he is the same way up until this very day! That's always been Zach's personality. He is the wild child and Owen was my sweet, calm baby. I remember saying, "I've heard about easy babies but I had no idea they existed!" Owen slept through the night at an early age, he was always a go-with-the-flow type baby. 

Fast-forward through 2012, on into 2013. We got to experience all sorts of fun things with Owen. He was growing and learning and constantly watching his big brother. We saw him learn to sit up, crawl, and start getting into everything, as every baby does! And baby Owen LOVED to eat.

Owen had become such a BIG part of our lives. With him and Zach, our lives were complete! I can't explain how much pride we had in seeing our boys start to play together. And that's something we will always cherish. We will always remember the bond these two boys shared. 

Owen started walking the week of his 1st birthday. I had planned to have a small party at our house. He was sick earlier in the week and we even questioned having his party but he felt much better just in time. We had such a fun evening celebrating Owen. He had brought SO much joy into our lives!! When I watch the video of his first birthday party, you can see so many people being so close to him and watching out for him with every little move he made. Our little buddy was now a 1 year old. One thing I've learned is that I thought I loved my boys when they were born, but my love for them grows more and more each day. I've learned that with Zach, and we intended the same for Owen. Everyday is different with children because they are always learning something new, always doing something to make you smile and laugh, and that's something as parents we are so fortunate to experience. Yes our hearts were obviously filled with love and happiness when our boys were born, but it continues to grow. When I think of my boys, my heart just wants to burst! Owen's birthday party was a success. What parent doesn't expect to be able to have parties for their children every year??

That's now one of the most painful questions I have to deal with as we remember Owen on his birthday, today, August 8th. The pain that now coincides with the happy, joyful memories of Owen and his life is something I don't think we will ever be able to comprehend. All of the questions we've struggled with since last October, all of the emotions, everything has come flooding back this week all because we want him here more than anything. He should be able to have balloons and presents and grab birthday cake with his hands and stuff it all in his mouth at one time! Now we have to sing "Happy Birthday" to him on a hill, where we've shared the last 10 months with him. We plan to have a picnic with him for lunch, and bring him Mickey Mouse balloons. He loved Mickey! When he would see him on tv, he would look over at me and have the biggest smile! I will remember that precious face forever. I haven't figured out how we will explain all of this to Zach. But he knows it is Owen's birthday and I have to make sure he knows we will always celebrate it. 

So today, we celebrate Owen's 2nd birthday...

Happy birthday, sweet Owen. I hope you know how much you are loved, missed, and that everyone wishes you a very happy birthday in heaven. We will fill this day with happy memories that you brought into our lives, and those memories will always remain in our hearts. Mommy, Daddy and Zach are sending big hugs and kisses to you. I can only imagine what a spunky, happy, silly boy you would be today!

A letter to Owen

"Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold the with the right hand of my righteousness." Isaiah 41:10

"Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4

"In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you." John 14:2


My Dearest Owen,

    Today, 6 months ago, you were taken from this world and you gained your angel wings in Heaven. It was the most horrific day of our lives. Daddy and I wanted to walk into your room to grab you up out of your crib and squeeze you and love you and take you to a birthday party. We had no idea anything happened to you, sweet boy. We never imagined life without you. You were OUR baby. We miss you so much. My heart aches for you every second of every minute of every day. You were the happiest, sweetest baby boy we could have ever dreamed of! And you belonged to us! 
    Your big brother, Zach, misses you and talks about you all the time. A few days ago, I was upset about missing you and Zach told me over and over, "mommy, Owen is ok!" We've had many talks about you being in Heaven now. He knows your OK! It's hard not to be sad. It's hard not to want you here. But we have to accept the fact that God wanted you with Him. We want God's love to shine through us even though this tragedy happened. And as much as we hurt because you're not here, we are so happy to have your memories to carry us through everyday.
    Your room is still the same. We haven't moved anything. Your toys are still there. It makes me feel as though you are still here. There's even a little medicine cup you put underneath your crib and a little block you dropped in your toy train. They're still there. I go through your clothes from time to time. Remembering what we did when you wore them. And the sad thing is, there are lots of clothes you never got to wear. Lots of pajamas and shoes and socks. Even your Halloween costume. Mommy had all of your clothes ready for cooler weather, and you never had the chance to wear them. 

     As I sit at our kitchen table, I always stare out our back window and picture you sitting in your swing on the swing set. The wind blows it from time to time. I can see you running around grabbing the sand and trying to eat it. I remember helping you climb up the steps to the slide because your little chunky legs couldn't quite reach. A while back, Zach and I were in the backyard and the wind was blowing the grass in such a quiet, peaceful way. I immediately thought of you. 

    You should be here with us. You WERE here with us. For 14 months. I miss everything about you. I miss your laugh. I miss your cry. Sometimes I can be in a store and hear a baby cry, for a split second I think it's you. I miss how the week before you left us, you started roaring like a lion. And how you would do a dance to a song my mom taught you earlier that week. "Dance dance dance dance Indian man." You were stomping your feet so fast! I was laughing and so proud all at the same time. The morning before you passed, I remember singing "Hickory Dickory Dock" and you thought it was so funny! I can see you laying on your changing table, grinning so big and I can see that adorable gap in between your two front teeth. You were starting to become a silly, little boy and growing out of your baby stage. I would give anything to hold you, bunk bunk. I found another quote a while back that I love. "You are my angel, my darling, my star, and my love will find you wherever you are." I feel like that's you, talking to us. Saying, mommy, daddy, Zach, I am with you wherever you go! And you are, sweet Owen. We carry you everywhere we go. Even though it's not on our hip, or Zach isn't pulling you around, we all have you in our hearts. Forever. 

    So today, as we reach 6 months, I wanted to say things to you I haven't had a chance to. I just want you to know that you have changed SO many peoples lives. I'm proud to call you my son, Owen Walker Caldwell. We all love you and we ALWAYS will. I cannot wait until the day we see you again in Heaven!

Love with all my heart,

      

Mommy

Angel Noises

  And just like that, it's been five months. I cannot believe this nightmare is now our life. I'm trying so hard not to run that day over and over in my head today. It was the most HORRIBLE day. Actually, there are no words to describe how devastating it was. Our world crumbled in a matter of two seconds. 
   It's been a while since I've written. At first it was helping me, then a different stage of grief came along and I didn't feel like it. But today, being five months, I feel like I need to again, for Owen. My friend Jena was able to go see Owen at the funeral home. She made a box for us. I did not get it until yesterday. I was finally ready for it. It has pictures, foot prints and hand prints. It also contains my favorite part, a lock of his precious, golden hair. He never had a haircut so we didn't have anything like that. I obviously cried my eyes out because that was him. That was a tangible piece of him. Yes I have clothes, pictures, toys, etc. But looking at those things, he's only a memory. With what was in the box, I feel like he's back here with us. So thank you, Jena. You have no idea how much we will treasure that box. God placed you in my life in the 4th grade. I always knew you were special but never dreamed you would be able to provide something as important as this!
   I'm starting to have more memories run through my head. I can still hear his little hand digging into his snack cup. He loved to eat! And he would make the funniest noises. He would make a popping sound with his mouth which was so stinking cute. Looking back now, Craig and I call them "angel noises." He loved to pull everything out of our cabinets. I know lots of babies do that. Some nights when I was cooking, I would pull things out like a whisk or bowls and containers. Who needs toys, right? He loved his crib and loved the little blue dog he slept with every night. His Nannie, (Craig's mom) gave him that. And he loved his big brother. The day before he passed, we were playing chase around the house. Zach, Owen and I would run as fast as we could back and forth and we would always have to say, "watch out for Owen!" He was slower than us and we didn't want to knock him over. That is one of the last memories I have of him. I can see him with the biggest smile as I was running by him, he loved it!
   My devotion this morning is titled "Lead me, Lord." How appropriate for today. I'm relying on Him more than I ever realized I would need to. A verse I came across was also perfect for today. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13. With the help of God we can make it through. Sweet baby Owen is ALWAYS with us, forever in our hearts and always on our mind. 

         

        

Our snow angel

The snow was absolutely beautiful and so much fun to play in this week! Zach had a blast. I think he was more excited to wake up for the snow than he was on Christmas morning. He got to play all day. His favorite part was the "snow fights" we had. What else can you throw at another person and not get in trouble for it?? It's so cold that obviously most people are ready for spring. I'm definitely ready for warmer temps. But with each season change comes a whole new set of memories. While I look forward to fun in the sun with Zach, springtime was when Owen was getting bigger and able to sit outside in the walker with us while we ran around. 


It's been really hard for us this week. Mostly because we imagine Owen running around in the snow. Probably trying to eat all of it. Or he may not have even liked it. I may have had to keep him in the warm house while the others played outside. That would have been nice too:) Knowing that this is yet again something we have to experience without him. Moving on with him only in our hearts seems so impossible. And I'm going to be blunt for a moment. It's freezing cold, snow on the ground. I'm trying SO hard to not think about the fact that his precious little body is in the ground at a graveside a few miles away from us. Can you comprehend that? I sure can't. OUR CHILD. I know that I shouldn't think that. His soul is with Jesus. BUT his little body is out there. It's the brutal truth that we have to deal with every second of our lives. All I want more than anything is to hold and squeeze him and warm him up. It's just not fair. Please enjoy every second you have with your kids. When you get frustrated with them, stop and give them a hug. When they make the biggest mess ever, please realize it could be their last one. I had to clean up Owen's toys and put them away in an empty room. He will never touch them again. He was sleeping safely in his crib. His favorite place. How could anything happen while he slept? Our biggest fear was him jumping out of the crib for the first time. Never ever did we think this could happen. I would have never put him in his crib and told him night-night. I would have held him all night long. Everyone tells me how strong I've been. This is just a tiny glimpse of what I really go through. We continue to push forward because Zach deserves a happy, fun-loving childhood and Craig and I strive to be the best mommy and daddy we can be!

Zach has had this plate in his room since before he was born. He noticed it on his dresser and pointed out the little boy angel is Owen. How sweet it is to know Zach has his little guardian angel looking over him every night while he sleeps. And the significance of the plate...I would have never dreamed the boy angel would represent his little brother when I bought it. AND actually look like him. Little reminders are everywhere. I want it to be like that now, 10 years from now, and always...

We would always sing his name...

Whenever Craig and I saw Owen, we would sing his name. We wouldn't say "Owen," we would sing "Oooo-weennn." That's just how happy he made us when we saw his precious face. He made us want to sing. I'm starting to struggle as time passes by. His memories are forever in my mind, but I feel like he's slowly slipping away from us. In the beginning all I would do is picture him running around the house, now I'm starting to feel like it's not as easy to do that. Because the time is getting longer since he's actually been here. That's terrifying to me. It's so hard to grieve because you feel like you don't want to hurt anymore, but then again does not hurting anymore mean you forget and you don't miss that person as much? I've certainly never been in this position before and do not know how to handle it. I wake up everyday feeling differently. And I cannot tell you how I may feel tomorrow or the next day or the next. But I do know that I will always have that baby boy's beautiful face on my mind. I'm so thankful for my memories and I'm hoping and praying those will never disappear. We have to do things to honor his memory and I plan to do just that.

We will be planning a 5k run/walk in august, which is close to Owen's birthday, August 8th. All money raised will benefit Hands of Hope. It's a hospice group my dear friend Jena Martin works with. They work with terminally ill children. Even though the circumstances with Owen are horrible and we hurt so bad with him gone, we did not have to see him suffer. So knowing that Owen's smile would brighten anyone's day, we are hoping this race can raise money to brighten the lives of those children who are sick. Especially to help them smile. In that way, I know Owen's short life has a HUGE purpose. He changed our lives and I'm hoping he can change others too. Once things get up and running and details are planned for the race, I will post that information on my facebook page.

Please continue to pray for me and my family. October 12, 2013 was the most horrible day of our lives. We had no idea we would no longer have our baby. The shock and horror of it all seems so impossible to think about. The grieving process definitely comes in different stages. I know there are so many people who love and miss Owen. I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to honor our little boy's life and his memory. My brother's family visited his graveside the other day. My nephew Thomas remembers how my mom would always sing patty cake to Owen. "And put it in the oven for Owen and me" she would sing. When they visited his grave, they sang that song to him. Hearing stories like this make me feel better because I know other's still remember him and want to keep him a part of their lives too. Such a special sweet boy my Owen was...I love you bunk bunk.

 

Unfiltered feelings

Owen would have been 17 months today. I can't imagine the silly things he would be doing now. How he would be chasing his big brother around and they would be playing and laughing together. What words he would be saying and how he would probably be Mr. Independent by now and letting us know EXACTLY what he wanted. Everyday we had Owen, he would bring more and more joy because he was learning new things and making us so proud. My heart was so full and now it feels like half of it is gone. Don't get me wrong, I love Zach with everything I have and certainly cherish every moment I have with him. But there's just something about having two brothers making memories together. I guess that means so much to me because I had that and now I don't.

I'm honestly nervous to type this post. I'm going to share the two journal entries I made before I started this blog, and I haven't looked at the journal since I wrote in it. I'm going to type them exactly as they are.

November 19, 2013

It's been a little over a month since it happened. This is the first time I've written anything down. How can we live with so much pain? I miss Owen so much. Everything I do, I miss him. Today we went to Learning Express (Zach and I) and I remember Owen always grabbing the necklaces and I was sure one would break, letting beads fall everywhere. He was so happy to go anywhere and do anything. Truly a special boy. I'm struggling to learn how to go places on a daily basis knowing he used to be with me. I can't comprehend the fact he's gone and how much we take our lives for granted on a daily basis. How bad I want to squeeze him right now, my sweet angel.

December 5, 2013

I still feel him with us. I want to read him his animal sound book he got for his birthday. I want to see the little gap between his teeth and his little chunky bottom at bath time. He loved playing patty cake. I can see his beautiful smile, always in our hearts...

                                              

Little reminders

Thursdays are normally my cleaning days because Zach doesn't have preschool. We are able to stay home and catch up around the house. These days are hard for me. Normally I like to be on the go so I don't have to sit in the house and be constantly reminded of our little guy running and playing. When I clean I have to go to every corner of the house, bringing up every memory possible. One of the hardest things I had to do was dust away his little fingerprints from our entertainment center where he would stand and watch tv in the playroom with his hands resting there.
A few weeks before our world came crashing down, I bought a new tent for the boys. It's really huge, one you can crawl through tunnels. It even has a basketball hoop on it. I had it set up in the living room for them to play, and I realized Owen was nowhere to be found. He was sitting in the tent, eating a blue crayon! It was everywhere, all over his face and all over the floor of the tent. I immediately grabbed him up to wash his face and hands and I don't think I wiped out the bottom of the tent. Fast forward a few weeks while Craig and Zach played in the tent. Once they got out, the pieces of blue crayon must have been on their feet. I was mopping our floors and noticed small blue specks of crayon stuck to our living room floor, and in our dining room. Those are precious little pieces from him that day in the tent. And I honestly plan to never remove those little blue specks!
I really have strong memories of the Thursday and Friday before it happened. This morning I struggled because I vividly remember going into his room that Friday morning around 9:30. He was still sleeping and he was on his side facing the door. He was so precious so I just stood there and watched him sleep. The trash truck was coming down the road being loud so I knew as soon as they were close to our house, he would wake up. Sure enough he soon woke up and I got to see him slowly open his eyes and see his mommy standing there waiting on him. I had no idea that would be his last morning here on earth, and I had to opportunity to see him wake up. That in a way is a blessing to me. Funny how something like a trash truck on a Friday morning could have such meaning now.