Thursdays are normally my cleaning days because Zach doesn't have preschool. We are able to stay home and catch up around the house. These days are hard for me. Normally I like to be on the go so I don't have to sit in the house and be constantly reminded of our little guy running and playing. When I clean I have to go to every corner of the house, bringing up every memory possible. One of the hardest things I had to do was dust away his little fingerprints from our entertainment center where he would stand and watch tv in the playroom with his hands resting there.
A few weeks before our world came crashing down, I bought a new tent for the boys. It's really huge, one you can crawl through tunnels. It even has a basketball hoop on it. I had it set up in the living room for them to play, and I realized Owen was nowhere to be found. He was sitting in the tent, eating a blue crayon! It was everywhere, all over his face and all over the floor of the tent. I immediately grabbed him up to wash his face and hands and I don't think I wiped out the bottom of the tent. Fast forward a few weeks while Craig and Zach played in the tent. Once they got out, the pieces of blue crayon must have been on their feet. I was mopping our floors and noticed small blue specks of crayon stuck to our living room floor, and in our dining room. Those are precious little pieces from him that day in the tent. And I honestly plan to never remove those little blue specks!
I really have strong memories of the Thursday and Friday before it happened. This morning I struggled because I vividly remember going into his room that Friday morning around 9:30. He was still sleeping and he was on his side facing the door. He was so precious so I just stood there and watched him sleep. The trash truck was coming down the road being loud so I knew as soon as they were close to our house, he would wake up. Sure enough he soon woke up and I got to see him slowly open his eyes and see his mommy standing there waiting on him. I had no idea that would be his last morning here on earth, and I had to opportunity to see him wake up. That in a way is a blessing to me. Funny how something like a trash truck on a Friday morning could have such meaning now.
It's hard knowing Christmas is right around the corner. Last year, Craig and I had two beautiful little boys to share this special time of year. Now I have one. I would give anything for him to be able to look at a Christmas tree and see the lights. A few days before he passed away, Owen and I went to the mall while Zach was in preschool. I was letting him run around outside of the stroller and he walked up to the Build-A-Bear store. You should have seem him! His eyes were so big and he was staring and pointing through the glass. He was excited. I called my mom on the way home and told her we had to get him one for Christmas. Since I still have the image of him in my mind, so happy and smiling through that window, I've been pretending that's how he would look if he could see all the beautiful lights and hear the sounds of Christmas. So I'm thankful for that moment in the mall. He would have been big enough this year to eat gingerbread cookies (which Zach and I made earlier this week) and he would have been able to open his presents. I just think of kids being so excited this time of year and Owen not even having the chance breaks my heart.
But we have to continue to celebrate the birth of Jesus and the real meaning of Christmas, and I sure can't imagine how wonderful it is to be in Heaven rejoicing during this time of year!
I called Owen "bunk bunk." I have no idea why. Craig would always ask, "what is a bunk?" I'd say, "HE's a bunk." I'd sing it over and over, "he's a bunk, he's a bunk." Owen loved it. We had a mommy-son connection and he would go wherever I would go. I would carry him on my hip and would always think we were on a mission. Just me and him. I bought a journal and started writing a couple of entries, the words could not come fast enough. Owen was such a precious boy that when I was writing in the journal, I realized these are things I want our family and friends to hear too. I want everyone to know how special he was. I'll add more soon...
